I'll tumbl for you...

So as I was running on the treadmill tonight, I had a wonderful idea for a blog post. And it’s funny because it actually stems from an awesome post on the UCC website, equating a life of Faith to running. (seriously, click on it and read, it’s wonderful http://www.ucc.org/feed-your-spirit/your-life-better/faith-is-like-running/)

Between the changing of the seasons (after that short summer stint last month, spring is finally here), the impending summer and lack-thereof job situation, and a recent health scare in my family, I’ve been thinking a lot about bettering myself. This has been most obvious in my new found love of running. Now, I’m not a good runner by any means, but I’m starting slow and making progress. I ran my first 5K last month, and I tell you what I can’t tell you a time where I felt better physically mentally and emotionally. And it’s slowly becoming an addiction. I’m finding myself not feeling obligated to run, but wanting to run. Who would have ever guessed?

Now, the parallel to my church life isn’t as surprising. From the first time I went to a service at my church, I knew I’d found a spiritual home. A place where worship made sense, where I felt comfortable to ask questions and to explore. So what I’ve been thinking about is how can I be a better me spiritually and even socially?

This is my new goal: to not define myself by status symbols— how much money I make, how good I look, how many twitter followers I have, how significant my role in a show is… I could go on and on. Instead, I need to remember what really makes me happy: being able to make a friend laugh, treating someone to dinner or a drink, being able to share a ride, supporting the people I care about in their endeavours. What’s tricky is the fact that there are a lot of people in my life that put all of their emphasis and self-worth into the first category of things. And it’s easy for me to get wrapped up in that mindset, it’s a very slippery slope.

This is my task- keep my priorities in mind, not the ones of others. Remember that one new year’s resolution I made: to be the best version of myself that I can be.

Lately, friendship has been on my mind. Perhaps this is because over the past few weeks I’ve made a conscious effort to expand my social circles— going to events where I didn’t know everyone there, initiating conversation with people other than the “usuals,” not letting social anxiety keep me home… more or less, putting myself out there. And it’s been a great success. Through happy hour club, mostly, I’ve had a lot of fun meeting new people.

As I’ve said ad nauseum, it’s been a transition coming back home. In school, friends were always around. I was just as busy as I am now (if not busier), but those things-school/shows and work- directly involved my friends. There was nothing that I did which I wasn’t surrounded by friends. Now, here, the things that occupy my time (church, LCC, the high school show) are different; while I’m surrounded by great people I love to work with, my friends aren’t involved. So I end up feeling really secluded from my social circle, which is why I’ve been so proactive about doing things.

So, this led me to think about my “group” of friends. Coming off of a show is always kind of a bummer, and Company was surprisingly drama free and good-natured toward each other, so there was a void once I didn’t see those people every night. And the thing is, friendships are constantly changing. Especially when the “group” has people in all points of their life; people tend to gravitate to people like them, and then stay in the comfort zone. The marrieds are friends with the marrieds. The gays are friends with the gays. The EL/MSU people are friends with the EL/MSU people. People are closer friends with people who live in the same neighborhood, who work in the same profession or work near each other.

Luckily, moving home meant moving back to the same city as my very best friend in the world. One of the few people with whom I never feel unappreciated, never feel unwanted, never feel inadequate. I’ve also rekindled a wonderful friendship with a person that has been there for me through a lot over the years, a person that has proven to be a true friend time and again. What’s also been a nice surprise is a friendship that has grown a lot over the past few months; both this person and I have gone through a lot of changes over the past couple of years, and our lives are both in transitional periods, which I feel makes us a little more simpatico. And while this person and I don’t always agree on things, this is a good thing; she challenges me to think outside of the box, to go outside of my comfort zone, and to not settle with what is if I’m not happy with it.

Now, I have friends of varying degrees. I have friends who were once close that are no longer. I have good friends that aren’t close, and close friends that aren’t good. Okay, I’ll admit it, I’m on facebook way too much. Which can be annoying— I’m constantly reminded of all the things I want in my life that I’m lacking, that others have. The people that for whatever reason deem me unworthy of being a real-life friend are always in my peripheral. Which can definitely bring me down. But what I choose to focus on: facebook also brings me a wonderful support system from across the country. I have a small but very important group of friends from SIUC that while spread across IL and even the country, are some of my biggest supporters and cheerleaders.

The other thing I need to remember when I feel like the only people out there are the ones that make me feel like I’m not allowed at the cool kids table in the cafeteria: I’m likable. I don’t need to ever feel like I’m not enough in anyway, not to fight it. Because these past few weeks have proven that there are places here where I’m wanted. Where I fit. :)

http://fcgl.org/images/mp3sermons/sermon_020512_priorities.mp3

Above is a link to one of my favorite sermons I’ve heard at my church. I recently learned that you can listen to Pastor Nicolette’s sermons online, so I wanted to link this one 1) for my reference and 2) for anyone who might wonder why I feel like I’ve not only found a spiritual home but also have found myself at this church. If you’re curious, give it a listen. If you don’t want to listen to all of it, here’s the part that really got to me:

… I also know that fewer children are being raised in a faith community- any faith community- and so there will be fewer children who, as adults, seek a community of faith.

To me, that says that we need to get better at reaching out to those who are unchurched, who say things like “I’m spiritual, but not religious” which is often code for ‘I believe in something bigger than myself, but religion is an outdated, regimented, prescriptive, hateful way of being.’

I’m tired of youtube videos and articles bashing the church as anti-science, anti-woman, anti-gay, anti-intellectual, anti-diversity… They make me angry and cry out “not in my church!”

But how will they know? How will they know that it’s not like that here?

What if our church became known as the place where spirituality was strengthened and developed?

In the United Church of Christ, we are not a creedal church. That means that to become a part of our faith community, we don’t make you sign off on a list of belief. It means you are allowed, encouraged, to bring your whole faith history, your questions, your understandings, and have the totality of your understanding of the divine embraced.

What if religion was no longer seen as the enemy of spirituality, the enemy of faith, but as a way to join a community of seekers trying to access deeper understandings of God?

I was one of those “spiritual but not religious” people for a long time. Who believed in God, and wanted to pursue that relationship, but seemed to only find churches whose platform seemed to be one of judgement; who made me feel inferior because I didn’t believe exactly what they had to say, or that I was coming in with questions. I met many Christians that only seemed to go to church so that they could look down on those that didn’t. Christians that instead of having conversations about my beliefs, deemed me to be “unfit” for friendship. That used their faith to judge and condemn (I can’t help but be reminded of that scene in the movie Saved).

I’m so proud and happy to be a part of a loving and accepting congregation. A continual reminder of my many blessings in life. :)

Some thoughts post-MWTAs…

Overall, I’m happy with how I auditioned. I didn’t get called back for the companies I was hoping to, but I did get called back for three (one of which was MSP, but I still consider that a legit callback! Also another summer at MSP would have some definite pros- the contract would let me get back to Lansing for my fall semester/season stuff; I’d get a chance to completely re-do a role I’ve done before, which would be a really cool challenge as an actress; I mean, summers in the dale can be pretty epic!). One I didn’t go to because the season was un-impressive (and no shows with roles that jumped out for me, which I’m really curious why they called me back…) and their top pay was $200/week. I know I’m auditioning for summerstock here, but I simply can’t survive a whole summer season on that kind of pay. Sigh.

This whole experience kind of sent me into a tailspin over what I really want out of my life. So, I’ve been more happy than not teaching and directing here in Lansing. My church choir is just wonderful, my LCC group is really on its way to being something special, and I love doing the work I have with the community and high school shows. But for my third callback, I was presented with an opportunity to possibly pursue something that would take me into December. Meaning I’d have to give up all of the things that I’ve been putting work into here. So on one hand, I could possibly call myself a professional actor, and on the other I can keep plugging along on the type of career I hope to have here someday. Over the past several months, I’ve felt like being here was the right choice… that going the teaching and directing route wasn’t just settling, but was actually artistically fulfilling. Now after spending a few days on the other side, I feel like maybe I’d forgotten how exciting I find performing. How much I love being up there as well. The problem is I was surrounded by kids just starting out. Still in undergrad, in their early 20’s… aka people in much different situations than I. I’m 29. I eventually, gasp, would like to settle down and even start a family (now this is a topic for another blog, but why as a single woman do I feel like I shouldn’t admit that?), and while I’m still not certain all of that awaits me here in Lansing I feel like I’d have less of a shot traipsing around in theatre (or, you know, running around trying to have a life).

I know that there are ways to marry both halves, which will probably mean performing in community theatre while teaching and directing (that is, if there are ever any shows to audition for and chances for me to be cast in things!). Now we all know that I’m a HUGE cheerleader for community theatre, but the thought of working professionally is just so alluring. I’m not crazy for wanting to stay here, right? RIGHT?