I’m starting to worry that I’m emotionally void.  Which might sound funny to those of you who know me and know how ridiculously worked up I can get, but still… in coming back to school, and getting back into studying acting, I’m afraid that my happy, optimistic normal self is really hurting my growth.  I find it hard to tap into sadness.  Into fear, into lonliness… see the thing is these emotions have been a big part of my make up the past several months.  I was terrified of moving down here alone.  I was extremely lonley to start, and still am often.  And I’m sad to miss things happening in the lives of my friends and family.  But, what Kelly does, is realize that it doesn’t do any good to dwell on negative thoughts.  So, I look for the good things.  I focus on getting cast in the first two shows I auditioned for, I focus on the great people I’m meeting and forming friendships with every day, I focus on this amazing opportunity that I have to learn, I focus on the ridic cheering section I have rooting for me back in Michigan.  But is all this blind optimism making me numb?  Robbing me of really experiencing the negative when I have them?  I certainly don’t want to let the bad things be most important.  I’ve been there, it’s not good.  How do I find a happy medium of really feeling the good and the bad?

I had a conversation with my voice prof during my lesson yesterday about how grim the dating prospects are for me here at SIU.  This is when you know you’ve reached a new low. FML.

:oP

Despite the fact that living alone can be boring and lonely at times, it’s highly bettered by the fact that you never have to wear pants. 

The art of making friends is one that is hard to keep in tune.  Seriously, trying to make friends as an adult is ridiculous.  Especially when you’re single.  I know this might sound silly, seeing as how I’m on a college campus and all, but there are times when I feel like I’m a dorky middle schooler again trying to get in with the cool kids. Stupid scheduling has come to bite me in the ass— apparently not getting Bib this semester has really cramped my style, and I missed out on the Grad Student Frienship Club that seems to have formed :o)  Once Figaro gets up and running I’m sure it will get better.  It has to, right?

And on another note, the phrase “it’s like riding a bike” is a crock of shit.  I was a great bike rider back in the day, and I’m awful now.  It doesn’t just come right back to you.  Just sayin…

Lazy afternoons are much more fun with a roommate to share them with.  Living alone is starting to get a little boring.

Though I hated working at Jackson, boy did I love having actual income.  After the financial wreck that was undergrad, I was finally getting things under control.  And now here I am again, broke as hell in school.  I know the reason I’m here is so that I can have an actual career some day, but it’s hard to see past where I am right now.

This week I got cast in The Marriage of Figaro.  My first Opera role.  Just kind of cemented that I’m here for the right reasons, and this was a good choice.  That being said, last week was a really tough one.  I miss home, I miss my family, I miss my friends.  And while I’m meeting new people and do have some pretty good times, I’m still not a part of a community like I was back in MI.  I think I will be soon, it’s just taking some getting used to.  But, I do get to see them this coming weekend.  I’m going home for halloween, and I’m so excited I can hardly wait.

I’ve been meaning to catch up with this baby, it’s been quite a month for me.  This past week has been non-stop Company, and today we did cue to cue and tech from 10 am to 10:30 pm.  So in honor of how endless the day felt, I leave you this quote from The Jerk:

I know we’ve only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

Let me tell you a story about a girl who’s stressed to the max:

Like most Music Grad Students, I had entrance exams here at SIU.  We received notice of them back in July, and I stored them in my brain as being at 6 pm Saturday Aug 22.  Fast-forward to yesterday afternoon at about 5:00, and I check my e-mail so I can remind myself where said exams actually were.  Turns out Theory was from 2-4 and History was from 5-7.  I feel like a complete idiot.  I e-mailed the prof to explain to him what happened (basically give him my sob story), hopefully he’ll be understanding somehow.  I don’t know if I can retake the exams (especially cause there was an aural section), but if not I’ll just take the flipping remedial courses and do what I need to do.  Ugh, more stress, when school should obviously be my first priority here…

So the past two days have been more cleaning/painting/repairing.  Thank God my parents decided to stay an extra day and help.  My dad found out that there’s a leak in the shower plumbing, which is way more of project than he could tackle, so now I have to march my sassy self to the leasing office and demand they fix it.  That and the third bedroom (reeks of cat pee despite having new carpeting, this is gonna be a tough battle for me…) are the only big problems left.  So I should be ready to have guests soon, hint hint… :o)