I'll tumbl for you...

So, I realized this morning that the times I feel blah the most are the times I go for longer periods without church, or choir rehearsal. I hadn’t been to church since Christmas Eve, and I had a bummer of a week. But this morning, thanks to an especially wonderful service, I feel less mopey.

New Years resolutions. I usually don’t make them, because lets face it I don’t keep them. I had talked before about my resolution this year to better use my talents and my time. Which, when you think about it, is a much easier resolution to keep than say, never eating bad food or working out for three hours every day. And this morning’s sermon just solidified this idea for me; as Pastor Nicolette put it (and I paraphrase): God doesn’t make junk. I am made in His image, and I am His perfect creation. I can’t ever be anything but myself, but I can strive to be the best version of myself. I was put here for a reason, and while I think I might know part of what that reason is, I can keep listening, and keep working at fulfilling that reason.

And as a person at the party I went to last night pointed out- NYE is so much hoopla for just another minute passing on the clock! Which is true. I want to live with a sense of celebrating each moment that I’m alive. Each morning presents a new day to start fresh. Each Sunday closes out another week that has passed, and each Monday we get to try it all again (theoretically speaking). I want to rejoice in each day that the Lord has made, and use them to do what I’m here to do.

Today, of course, is New Years Eve. So it’s time to reflect on the past year, as I like to do.

2011… you sure were interesting. Started off the year with the best NYE celebration I’ve ever had… apples to apples and a jug of sangria with a few close friends. Celebrated my 28th birthday with a silly dance party with the undergrads. Dealt with drama and gossip and immature people. Gave a KICK-ASS graduate recital. Got an A in Shenker, and passed my comps and orals with flying colors, resulting in another 4.0 semester. GRADUATED WITH MY MASTERS DEGREE. Had a relaxing and wonderful Carbondale summer spent with friends and co-workers; sunset concerts, fun drinks at Key West, Garden of the Gods, and too many laughs at Subway to recount. Made a hilarious roadtrip with team Stuiblepirateman up for a ridiculous Titmas weekend. Got a great part and had an interesting time in “Chicago.” Closed a chapter of my life- saying goodbye to the people who shaped my life for the past two years; the people who raised me up, who laughed and cried with me, who challenged me to be a better person and a better artist. This also meant coming back to the people who were there before— those who kept tabs on me, who supported and encouraged me when I questioned if doing this whole graduate school thing was worth it.  I accepted what it meant to be living with my parents at 28. Got a job at FCUCC, and began reevaluating and deepening my relationship with God, and what it might mean to let Him be a larger part of my life. Got a job at Red Robin, music directed at Cornwell’s. Saw some good friends do some good theater, and had quite a few fun nights around Lansing. Had friends get married, get divorced, have a baby; get sick and then get better. Took a trip back to Carbondale that made me feel like I was whole again. Got hired at LCC, and acquired a few more voice students.

So this year, like any, had its ups and its downs. It’s good times, and rough patches. I got my hopes up, only to be let down. I was hurt, deeper than I expected to be. A hurt that rattled me to the core and made me question a lot about myself. On the other hand, I had some nice surprises; was overwhelmed and humbled by the people who love me and care about me. There were times when hard work truly paid off, and times I felt that no matter what I just can’t win. I feel like this was the year of “hurry up and wait;” there was the sprint to graduation, then  the two months of “waiting it out” in Carbondale. Then there was the rush to move back to MI, then the anticipation of seeing what was in store for me here. It was a year of big changes, and while that usually means excitement, this time it was a little scary. Because none of these changes had immediate results or clear-cut answers. These changes are all small steps to what’s in store for me in the future. So here’s to a 2012 of embracing these changes. My resolution is to take what I’ve been blessed with and putting it to better to use— to making better use of myself. :)

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately. For the past few months, I’ve been trying to actively take stock of the good things I have going for me, and to count my blessings. A lot of the posts in this blog have been about that; the more I openly remember all of the good, the easier it is to not dwell on the bad.

The last few weeks (since returning from my wonderful trip to Carbondale, actually), I’ve been feeling a little down. I can pinpoint the source of a lot of it, but I’m sure the weather, the holidays, being busy etc adds to the stressors. It’s gotten to the point where I’m starting to feel anxiety when out with friends, and at the prospect of social events.

So, come on, what’s going on? This is not the type of person I ususally am. I usually can roll with the punches and fit in to most social situations. I make friends pretty easily. I like spending time with others. I’m optimistic, and usually can find a smile in even the crappiest of days. In combating this general malaise, I’m going to take this blog post to heart (especially #’s 1, 2, and 3).

http://www.prana.com/blog/2011/12/23/12-things-happy-people-do-differently/

Here’s to a new year with a more positive outlook, and hoping that the exciting things coming up can help me get out of this funk. :)

So, here I am three days before Christmas, up to my eyeballs in projects, and totally loving it.

I’ve given my choir some challenging music over the past few months, and it kind of comes to a culmination for the Christmas Eve service. I’m so proud of them, how they’ve risen to every challenge I’ve presented. I can’t wait for the glorious music we’ll make on Saturday night.

Company rehearsals have begun, and I’m loving every second of it. I’m starting to really think that I’m so much more cutout for this side than for the acting side :) I have fourteen people in this cast that I just adore (and if I didn’t know them before this, it’s quickly becoming evident that we’ll be the best of friends soon), doing a show that I’m so in love with. Goodness all around.

In a couple of weeks, I start my job at LCC. Honestly, right now I’m about equal parts excitment and terror, but I know that I’m capable of doing this job. And doing it well. I just don’t like not having all the pieces in place right now, but they’ll get there soon.

I’ve been asked to work back at Cornwell’s in April, which I’m sure will be a lot of fun once again. I have a handful of people that are getting voice lessons for Christmas, and I hope that at least a couple of them will continue on after that. I have a few other projects in the works for the spring as well.

How blessed am I? I’ve been praying a lot over the past few months for direction and guidance. It’s been scary, not knowing if I was missing other opportunities by staying here in Lansing, if I was playing it too safe and not taking the chances I need to be taking.  But in the end, I knew that I wouldn’t be let down. That if I listened, really listened, that it would all be right there in front of me.

So now this anticipation of wondering “what’s coming next” has turned into “what else is coming next.” It’s a lovely feeling, knowing that I can in fact call myself a music professional. And imagine, what a great place to be in looking at starting a new year.

It’s just a blog-tastic day for me! (I started a blogger about directing Company, and wrote in it this morning)

But for this baby, I’m writing about my future as I see it. Funny, because as it’s the season of Advent, it’s definitely the ultimate season of waiting. As for myself, I’ve seen the past four months as a waiting period. Although I have work now, and fulfilling work, I still feel like I’m waiting for the sign that this is really the place for me to be putting down roots.

Truthfully, the one thing showing promise is my job at the church. While it started out as just a “job,” my time there has turned out to be the most personally fulfilling part of my life. I’m continually blessed that not only do I get paid to create music, I also have been welcomed into a congregation and into a wonderful choir family that is giving me the opportunity to really deepen my relationship with God. The only cons: there’s not really anyone my age at the church. This is becoming such an important part of my life, and I don’t have any contemporaries to share it with. While I feel this is giving me a chance to really listen and grow without any outside influence, I’m getting past the part of internalization, and would really just like some church friends. And don’t get me wrong- since most of my choir members fall in the ages between my parents and grandparents, I have this amazing support system and a loving group of people really looking out for me, which is wonderful. If it weren’t for FCUCC, I don’t know if I’d be actively seeking more permanent employment here in the Lansing area.

I had my interview at LCC, and while it was very hard to read the interviewers, I feel like it went alright. That would be another great thing for me to have here. I see a lot of opportunity down here, if I really get to work and get myself out there. The big problem is, I see this only in the professional side of my life.

Regarding my personal and social life, I see myself going down the exact same path that I was on before I left. I’m not going to be able to get out of my parents’ place after the holidays, like I’d hoped. I’m not meeting new people. And while I’m doing internet dating, I’ve gone out with a couple of guys but nothings working there.  So basically, I see myself with some pretty great friends, and that’s where it ends.

It’s just frustrating that my professional and personal lives seem to be at such a conflict now. I regularly check higheredjobs.com, just to see what’s out there, and there are plenty of positions I could apply for (I really want to teach!), but that would mean leaving. Leaving my family, my friends, and importantly my church. I’m praying about it a lot- that if I open my heart and my mind to really listen, that God will show me what I’m supposed to be doing. That He’ll lead me in the right direction (I know, of course, that He will. Look at how much good this job at FCUCC is doing in my life, and that was totally a gift given to me).

Turning bummed feelings into a positive outlook.

Long and short of it is, coming home has been hard. I’ve been very welcomed by friends and family, but this does not negate the fact that I’m having a hard time figuring out where I “fit.” My jobs keep me very busy, but unfortunately  these jobs don’t provide me with replacement friendships for what I’m missing. And it’s certainly not any of my friends’ fault- it just so happens that over the past two years, while I was gone, people settled into new routines, and have new things that are priorities in their lives. The same thing happened to me— but like I said it’s just tough because these new routines and priorities in MY life aren’t presenting me with social opportunities.

This makes me think of the wonderful sermon we had in church last week about pottery. How when clay on the potter’s wheel is off center, you just have to apply pressure from different sides and you’ll get it centered again. I feel like this is one of those times in my life. I’m “out of whack” as it were, and I just need to let these pressures that I’m feeling get me back in the middle of the wheel. And it’s time to remind myself to trust in God, and that He does have a plan for me, and I’ll see it eventually.